Not the Right Time…False Alarm for Lungs.

Yesterday at this time I was in the Iowa City Hospital awaiting my lung transplant.  Obviously, since I am writing this, that means that it did not happen.

It was around 6pm last night when my phone rang and it was the hospital phone number.  I flipped out before I even answered b/c I knew that it was “the call”.  The clinic is closed on Saturday and it was past hours.  So, I felt like I was in a dream when I answered the phone and heard that they had a set of lungs for me.  My head was spinning, my heart was RACING, my hands and entire body were shaking…I was not able to function at all.  We had 15 minutes to leave our house and get up there for this life changing experience.

We saw real quickly that we really weren’t as prepared as we thought we were.  Jay was running around grabbing things and packing last minute items.  The boys were at the neighbors, so we decided to leave them there.  And I sat there shaking and updating my Facebook status.  I realized how unprepared I was b/c I couldn’t remember who I was supposed to call or text or what day of the week it was.  I couldn’t find my list!

So, the boys walked inside the house, and Josiah bee-lined it to the fruit bowl bowl for an orange.  He was completely oblivious to everything.  Jayden ran to me so excited b/c he has been “waiting for the doctors to find lungs”.  He has a list of things he wants to do with me when I can breathe again which includes the important things in life: playing monsters, going to Disney, playing tag outside, and playing baseball together.  I can’t wait…It has been years, and I want nothing more than to be able to do all of those things!  Anyhow, I kissed them both and told them how much I loved them and that I would not see them for a while.  I was bawling, of course.  And we drove away with the boys waving from the stoop.  And all the while I am having a panic attack and trying to wave and catch my breath and smile at the same time.

We get to Iowa City, get checked in, start getting things going, and then the Transplant Nurse came in and let me know that they have some concerns about the lungs now after looking closer.  We are always aware that they want the best possible lungs for their patients, and that at any time, the surgeon/doctor may decide that there is something about the donor lungs that is not ideal for transplant.  So, in this situation, we learned early on yesterday that they did have some concerns about these lungs being on the higher risk side.  A few hours later, they came back in and let us know that the doctor denied the lungs b/c their CAT Scan showed that the lungs had some pneumonia and other oxygenation issues going on.  Obviously, we don’t want anything like that for me.  The nurse was very sweet and very concerned, but I was completely fine with it.

Now, of course I am sad!  In a way, I was relieved to be going home to my comfort zone, though.  I have to be honest.  That of course changed the second I got out of the bed and took that first step to my wheelchair.  I felt incredibly defeated knowing that I was going BACK to my life of breathlessness and basically being in a position of not being able to do anything a normal person gets to do.  Earlier that evening, I was picturing a few days from then waking up and taking my first real breath.  So, of course I was very disappointed and discouraged.  But, I just feel that God has sustained me all the way up to this point, and I KNOW that He has plans for me.  I KNOW that He gave me Jayden and Josiah for a reason, and I KNOW that it was not to take me away from them at their young ages.  And I also know that I have a life of service I want to dedicate to my Lord, and I need to have breath in me to do it.  So, I do have faith that lungs will come in time.  Who knows?  Could be tomorrow.  🙂

Thank you SO much to all of you who reach out.  I could not possibly respond to all of the Facebook messages or emails or blog messages today, there are just so many.  But, please know that your support and prayers TRULY encourage me and keep me going.  I will never ever take a single breath for granted in my entire life, and I will never ever forget all of the support that God laid into my circumstances to help raise me and my family up in this time.

Love and blessings to you all.