Just Keep Breathing!! I am struggling so bad right now.

I heard this amazing song this week by this incredible young woman .  Her name is Kerrie Roberts, and she is my favorite new Christian singer.  She has this song called, “Keep Breathing”.  Here is the video.

I almost feel like this song was WRITTEN for me for this time of my life!  To say that I am going through a difficult time right now is a huge understatement.  Just when I think that my physical symptoms can’t get any worst, they do.  I have begun having really bad anxiety attacks and panic episodes lately, and just started taking some medication to help in that area.  Never have I taken anything like this before, and it is weird being on medication for that.  I have started waking up gasping for air multiple times a night…my poor husband can’t get a good night’s sleep.  I know this can’t be easy for him.  So, my sleeping patterns are really off.  I am finding myself panicked at so many situations that would never bother me before, and sometimes I feel like I am just losing control of my life!  If you have ever had a panic episode, you know that during the episode, your mind usually goes to awful places.  I don’t want to go to the scary places!!  (Shout out to my friend Janet here who reminds me of that all the time.)  I HATE that feeling!

And to make all matters worse, I am starting to have even more declined mobility.  And my muscle mass in my legs and arms is decreasing as well.  I went to see my lung doctor this week, and she is really pushing me to try to walk as much as I can at home.  I physically feel like I just CAN’T.  I can’t even walk from the couch to the kitchen table without stopping to catch my breath even with oxygen blowing in my nose!  But, I have to try.  She told me that the main reason is that after transplant, I of course will need to become a crazy exerciser in order to get the new lungs functioning well.  And if my muscles are wasting away, then I will not be able to do that.  And I will admit that my legs and arms are starting to shake really bad upon exertion.  Even something small like going down the steps or sitting down, I can feel my legs shaking so bad and I feel like they could give out at any moment.  So, I have to get to walking and push myself like I have never pushed myself before to do that.

I tell you, these days are the days that I have been dreading for the last 3 years since I was diagnosed.  The end stages of destructive lung disease and waiting for new lungs.  I didn’t think it would happen for 15-20 years.  But, it did.

So, now is the crunch time!!!  That song “Keep Breathing” reminds me that I don’t have to know how to do things in my own strength.  So, why is it so hard sometimes to fully rely on God??  (Shout out to my friend Kady for always reminding me of that.)  He has me in the palm of His hand and already knows the plans that He has for me.  All I have to do is believe and TRUST in Him.  Right??  It is easy to do that when things are going good for us.  It is NOT easy when the world and everything in it is crumbling before you and you have no control over it.  But, see, this is where God can carry us…and I just have to believe it!  I have to get back on the right track!

When you pray for me, please pray the serenity prayer!  God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.  I have to just rely on God and believe and trust in His promises for my life.  In the hard times like now, especially.  My new lungs will come when God releases them.   And worrying will not control that.  🙂

Love and Blessings.