Not the right time…again. Praying for lungs!

Still no lungs.  😦

Tuesday night was a blessing in that my boys came up to visit me with their Uncle Jarad, and as they were in here cheering me up, I received a phone call from my doctor telling me that they had a perfect set of lungs in Kansas for me.  I immediately started rejoicing and crying and thanking God.  I saw the light at the end of my tunnel right in front of me.  I was told to stop eating, get prepped for surgery and that I would be seeing the operating room at about 2am.  Oh my GOSH I was so excited.  Jay was in the hallway, and I told Jayden and Josiah that when Jay came in the room, to tell him that mommy got new lungs.  This was such an amazing experience.  Jayden and I talked and I told him that I would be home soon enough and that I would be breathing again.  He broke my heart b/c he asked me if when I came home, if he could be my kid again.  He feels like he is not even my kid.  The pain in that moment was tangible for me. That was just so unbearable almost for me to hear.  But, I was so excited to tell him that he is ALWAYS my kid and that I will be home to complete his list of fun things to do with me when I get new lungs in no time.

So, my in-laws and a few friends came up and sat with us and prayed with us.  The AMAZING nursing staff came in here and rejoiced with us and encouraged us.  It was a very calming and exciting day.  2am got pushed off until 4am.  4am got pushed off until 10am.  10am got pushed off until 1.  Then, my doctor came in and told me that at first, they had trouble flying out to get the lungs b/c of the weather.  THEN, the trouble turned into the donor family reconsidering donating the organs.  Apparently, they were going back and forth, and so I was at the hands of the family in this.  Next thing I know, the hospital they were at ends up being swarmed by tornadoes.  Finally, at about 7pm, they came in and told me that they found the donor family and they decided not to donate the organs after all.  This was really difficult to swallow.  After 24 hours of having my family here and being prepped for surgery and waiting for the surgery, it ended up not happening.  I guess it wasn’t the right time, yet again.

It is really hard to be strong all the time when I am coming up to a month of being in this same room.  I am going through so many physical difficulties, and it is really hard going through them every day not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes.  Physically, my body is wearing down pretty badly.  My spirits are always good, and the support I have from my friends and family and the hospital staff and JAY have been keeping me positive.  Although I will admit that there is a sign in my room that says “NO CRYING” b/c I have my days where I cannot help but let my tears flow.  And flow, and flow and flow.  I just miss the boys so terribly.  I just want to be home and be a wife and mother and live my life with them.  This is a very difficult way to live not knowing when the end is.  My biggest hurdle every day is standing up on my own two feet when my legs shake so badly and I can’t even stand alone.  Not to mention just moving from the chair to the bed.  The feelings that I feel are indescribable, and I will not even try to explain it.   But, I do try to keep it light and fun in as many ways as I can.  I try to think positive, and I always try to remember that there are so many people that are going through so much more than me.  I truly thank the Lord every day that this is happening to me and not one of my children.  I could not imagine what it would be like to be next to my child’s bedside.  And yet, in the children’s wing here at the hospital are so many sad families watching their children suffer, wishing they could take their place.  SO, I am grateful that I do not carry that burden within me.

Please keep praying for a miracle.  I have not had any really serious situations in the past week.  I still have my chest tubes and am still very sick, but I am somewhat stabilized from all of the alerts and rapid response situations that we have had in the past month.  NOW, we just need me to stay stable and get stronger, and for these lungs to just get here quickly.  I am so excited.

I can’t wait to go outside and play tag with the boys.  I want to go swimming, and walk with them and go to the park.  I want the boys to call my name to show me something, and for me to have the strength to get up and go see what they want to show me.  I want to go out to eat as a family and go to family fun places.  I want to be able to watch Jayden play t-ball.  I want to be able to clean my house and put my own children to sleep at night.  I want to go to a holiday dinner and be able to do the dishes.  Just the simple things.  I just can’t wait to be Melanie again.  And I know I say this all the time, but when my life is saved, I will never EVER let a single breath go for granted ever.  Never, ever, ever.  And if you are reading this blog, please count your many blessings.  Every day is a gift.  I wish I had counted my blessings before.  I hope that everyone can use my experience to help you appreciate your many blessings.

Keep praying for me please.  And for my beautiful family to stay strong with me and for me to have patience.  I have to keep believing that God is never late, but always on time.