Emotions

In true Melanie Putnam fashion, I have to write down and be honest about how I am feeling today.  I am a part of a closed Facebook group for lung transplant recipients and patients waiting for lungs.  I read it often for inspiration and to offer advice to other individuals experiencing all of what I have.  Last night, I was heartbroken to read the story of a very young woman who had a lung transplant and is in chronic rejection.  (This is when your body permanently rejects your lungs.) Her heart and kidneys are too sick from all of the transplant medications that she takes, so she does not qualify for another transplant.  Her lung function is down to 20% or lower at this time.  All that her doctors can do for her at this point is to keep her comfortable.  There is no other treatment or help that can be offered for this beautiful young lady.

And last week, I read about a young, incredibly healthy and active man who was only 3 years out from his lung transplant who out of nowhere ended up in rejection and needing new lungs within a matter of just a few months.  He is hoping that he will qualify for a second set of lungs and will get them in time.

This is my reality.  While I am doing fine right now, I know what the future holds.  I know that there will be a day when I will get that news and my life will consist of just “being kept comfortable”.  For the inevitable.  And this could be next month, in a year, 4 years, etc.  I have no idea.

I remember experiencing the feelings 3 years ago when I knew I was going to die if I didn’t get my lungs in time.  I knew that I would not see my 2 year old and 5 year old grow up.  I knew that.  It was my reality.  But, I had the hope of getting my organ transplant.  I could focus on that.  I had options.  Reading testimonials of people I have online relationships with who are in chronic rejection and know they will die with no options whatsoever is terrifying to me.  Absolutely terrifying.  

I can’t comprehend a day knowing that there is no hope for me and that I will miss my family’s milestones.  I can’t begin to think of what I will say to Jayden and Josiah knowing that I will not be around for them.  It’s more than I can fathom right now.

I think I will allow myself this one day to grieve these feelings and thoughts that I am having.  I can’t stop crying today and thinking about all that can happen.  However, tomorrow, I want to wake up and once again just live like I am dying.  I want to live every day like it is my last and just be grateful for every moment no matter what!  I imagine that people in my shoes will probably relate to my feelings right now, and I am sure these feelings are normal.  I just don’t want to dwell on them going forward.  I know it is okay to feel emotional at times, but then I have to pick myself up and move forward on this awesome journey of life.  

Tomorrow is a new day, and I will do just that.